My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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