just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
