Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
