I think I am morally bankrupt
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
