i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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