So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
