At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
