is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
