Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
