I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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