Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
