I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
