I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
