i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
