I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
