I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
