I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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