just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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