my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
