So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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