someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
