i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
