I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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