i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How external is "for external use only"?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
