I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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