I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
