i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
