Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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