There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
