good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
