In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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