I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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