If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
