Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
