It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize