1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
