Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
