I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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