apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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