Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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