I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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