please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
