You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
