He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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