I think I died a long time ago.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
