im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
