u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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