Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
