I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
