FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
