he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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