Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
