I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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