I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
