He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
