I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
