I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
