It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
