you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
