then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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