Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
