You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize