I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she smelled like a LAN party
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
