im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I had to cum in my sink.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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